I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
