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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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