Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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