well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
