Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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