His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I think pants incapable of making pants work
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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