Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
