I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
