my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
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