The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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