Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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