Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
