Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
