If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
