Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
