Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Drunk is not a location!
Randomize
