a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
