you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
