anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
