had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
