Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Randomize
