in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
