Where did you get a picture of my penis
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
my shit smells like andre
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
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