Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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