o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
