i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Randomize
