dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
