Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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