I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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