my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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