Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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