he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm like, not good at living.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
