If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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