once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
