I smell stomach acid.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
