i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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