woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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