I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
