her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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