Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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