Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
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