You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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