My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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