as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
