I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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