I will die if light touches me.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
