The maid of honor just puked.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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