i already hear my dad disowning me
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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