i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
