i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
