i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
